Bringing Change: Hopes and wishes

Last month was welcome in sweeping away and closing doors behind it. Taking with it the immediate instant sting of grief, of loss.

It had started with a tiny heartbeat. For us this was Hope, a miracle after an earlier loss. We saw Hope on a screen, wept and held hopeful hands togerther, marvelling at that tiny heart beating in less than a centimetre of potential.
Just three weeks later as my slightly rounded belly was pressed down, we saw Hope again, not much bigger but with that strong, minute pulsing absent. Hope was gone, lost. All there was now was grief and medical options to physically let her go.

That heartbeat had drummed out a promise of a future world, a world that we now know will not become. Thoughts had been turned to preparations. Preparations which are no longer needed. The loss of that tiny heartbeat had been incorporated into our own heartbeats, only to be a soft echo and nothing more.

Two weeks after that, well, what we are left with is the wondering – what is Hope?

What is hope? Defined by the Merriam Webster dictionary as “desire accompanied by expectation or belief in fulfillment”. The dictionary definition, as with so many words, falls far short of the lived experience of hope.

Hope is, in the absence of concrete guarantees, the need to get back up. Hope is not a wish, not a vision of what is better, it is the part that screams “DO NOT GIVE IN”. It is not a petalline and blush concept – it is found in the viscera, perhaps even is of the blood rather than the heart. It is the part of all of us that – in the face of abject mortality, in the line of failure after failure, after losses so great we fear we might never breathe again – tears apart at fear, at defeat, at fatigue. It understands that there can be better than this and shrieks “GET BACK UP.”

Hope is in every act of carrying on, every moment of continuing with each other, with our children who have made it into the world. Hope bursts through, blistering and ripping through grief, into love. It does it again and again and will not stop. Hope is the thing that unifies us all. It inspires courage and lets us start over again and again, and again.

Hope is not lost. Hope lives on always, in all of us.

* If you have been or are being affected by pregnancy loss please make sure you are supported. If you are struggling there are a great many organisations offering help and support. The Miscarriage Association and babyloss are good places to start. And, for all it’s worth, our hearts are with you too.

My partner James has also written about this experience- unusually from the perspective of the dad. I warn you, it is heartbreaking but worth reading here.

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12 comments

  1. Helen M · March 10

    I’m so so sorry for what you are going through. I experienced two losses and it cemented my loss of hope, I was convinced my next pregnancy would be lost if I didn’t try anything ‘different’. I also felt trapped in the NHS void of not having had three miscarriages to get investigations and tests carried out.
    Through meeting some amazing women online, I found out about Proffessors Quenby and Brosens at Coventry hospital and went to see them. After following their treatment plan on my next pregnancy, I finally got my precious rainbow baby.
    I would recommend them to anyone suffering a miscarriage. They really care about everyone they see and want to help them.
    Keep going, there is always hope. X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. foodiefisher1981 · March 10

    Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I’m currently sat here experiencing my second miscarriage in 8 months. In disbelief this is happening all over again, mirroring the first one. Sending you love xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • lilithinfurs · March 10

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. I’m yet to find a magic phrase or thought that helps in any way, but if I had it I’d give it you now. Much love to you and I hope you’re surrounded by love and care xxx

      Like

  3. Jenna · March 10

    Thanks you for writing this. At times like this, Hope seems so useless & far away, but it shouldn’t be! Even after loss, Hope should exist & it should be enough (for now). I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve just gone through my 3rd miscarriage in a year and a half (no children yet). I’ve spent the last week in tears. I went to the doctor & said “I don’t know if it’s just sadness or something more & im a bit scared”. She ignore me. I came home, cried again, & then something clicked & I decided that I need to just try happy before it swallows me. I suddenly & somehow automatically felt ‘better’. I know it’s not real (yet) but I finally feel like I can do this & get stronger. I hope you’re ok.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lilithinfurs · March 10

      Jenna, thank you so much for talking. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this too. Please don’t be scared. You can be sad, you can have rage, you can feel hopeless, and that’s all good. It’s all love – it’s a mark of the mother you are and what I hope you will be. Keep hope, even if it’s angry hope xx

      Like

  4. Keeley · March 10

    I’ve just experienced my third miscarriage in 3 years. Two of them were missed miscarriages and were picked up on my 12 week scan unfortunately. I’m now recovering after my operation to remove my little baby. But I’ll never give up trying. Please don’t give up hope x

    Liked by 1 person

    • lilithinfurs · March 10

      I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this right now Keeley – much love to you in your recovery. Thank you so much – I won’t give up hope – because we can’t, right?x

      Like

  5. Pingback: Heartbeats 
  6. Reading all your posts are heartbreaking. I truly think the people who understand the pain of miscarriages are those who have been through them but, as I discovered, it’s only when you miscarry you find so many other people have suffered too. I had two miscarriages 11 years ago and I found that seeing a counsellor, and making changes to my working life helped me an awful lot. After the miscarriages we were fortunate enough to have two healthy babies (now aged ten and eight) – there is hope xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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